A Heebster Purim

Jewish Comments Off
Mar 132006

Fun, fun, fun, Judaism is cool! What other religion tells you to get drunk, so drunk you can’t tell the difference between Haman (bad guy) and Mordechai (good guy)? In honor of Purim, Nancella, Scott, and I went to American Schmidol at the Bowery Ballroom. This spoof of American Idol was organized by Heeb magazine and the record label JDub and featured karaoke contestants being judged from actors from popular Comedy Central shows.

Nancella was dressed up as Queen Esther. We both got drunk. I flirted with pretty girls, which made me feel confident. Once the show got started I got into it. I felt alive as I screamed encouragement and criticism from the balcony. I got more drinks and went down to the very front of the stage. Eventually, I called my sister and confirmed our plans to meet her at another Purim party. Nancella and I said goodbye to Scott and then Nancella asked me to jump on the stage and give one of the judges a note saying, “You’re cute, let’s hang out, here’s my info.” So, of course I jumped onto the stage in front of several hundred people, handed David Wain the note and supposedly one of the other judges mouthed “sexy” with a nod to the note’s author. Wow, I don’t know if that experience was more exhilarating for me or for Nancella. We continued onward to the Upper West Side where we met my sister Lanna, who looked especially pretty that night. The night ended with Lanna performing a great stunt, but she’s kinda private and won’t let me talk about her exploits that night at a bar called Yogi’s.

Once a month a bunch of intellectual Jews gather in the Lower East Side. Surrounded by Soviet propaganda, the evening could have taken place 50 or 100 years ago, but this is New York City circa 2006. Novel Jews is a series of readings by Jewish authors that is organized by Alyssa Abrahamson of the 14th Street Y and Alana Newhouse of the Forward. KGB Bar provides a kitschy venue with Communist icons adorning the red walls.

When I arrived, I ordered a KGB energy drink that was actually re-labeled Red Bull. Ilana Stanger-Ross read a slightly erotic excerpt from her book Sima’s Undergarments for Women. Narrated from the perspective of an older Jewish saleswoman, she talked about different sizes of breasts and nipples. I heard how women bond by making fun of men for not noticing underwear. Finding a bra that fits is important according to a recent New York Times article I read. I pay attention to lingerie, but it’s not something I’m going to buy for a woman without her being there with me. It was a week before Valentine’s Day and I was seated next to many women in the tightly packed red-themed room. I wonder if my cheeks reflected an image of bashfulness when the Stanger-Ross character admitted to an unwanted glance at a customer’s breasts. I was self-conscious about my own glances and thoughts. The other author that night was Lara Vapnyar, who read from a yet to be published novel, Memoirs of a Muse. She spoke from a Russian immigrant’s perspective. Unfortunately, I got bored trying to listen to the soft-spoken women with a thick accent.

Yeah, it usually means Jewish American Princess, but that term didn’t define the three black clad women on a Makor panel about “Debunking the Myth of the JAP”. According to Rhonda Lieberman, Isabel Rose, and Alana Newhouse, a JAP is stereotypically spoiled, loves shopping, shallow, high-maintenance, pushy, has disposable income, expressive, opinionated, whiney, narcissistic, and much more. Of course Urban Dictionary has its own list of definitions. When I told someone at work about this lecture, he referred to Gilda Radner’s “Jewess Jeans” Saturday Night Live skit.

Alana Newhouse is the arts and culture editor at the Forward. In a March 2005 Boston Globe article she wrote, “First identified in postwar America, the JAP was a girl lavished with the best in life-from the top of her professionally straightened mane of hair, to the nose job she got for her 16th birthday, to a wardrobe of designer clothes and the most expensive shoes money could buy.” Ms. Newhouse grew up in an Orthodox family and went to Barnard.

Isabel Rose is the author of The JAP Chronicles. She said she had problems getting booked on her book tour because of the word’s stigma. Many people consider it to be Anti-Semitic and an ethnic slur like “nigger”. She’s now making the novel into a musical that will include the ditty, “Don’t Worry, Be JAP-py”. Ms. Rose grew up on the Upper East Side and went to Yale.

As a self-described Jewologist, Rhonda Lieberman said a JAP was like pornography, you know it when you see it. She associates the archetypal JAP with the evils of consumer culture. Ms.Lieberman is an artist who Newhouse said produced an iconoclastic group of pieces that included a “geltbelt”. She teaches at Yale and has taught at the Art Institute of Chicago.

All three women are Jewish American Powerhouses. Confident and success professionals, these women don’t fit many of the stereotypes mentioned above. During Q&A, a guy in his mid-50′s rambled on about his anxieties about living up to the expectations of strong Jewish women. I understood where he was coming from.

Listening to Alana Newhouse, I got the impression that emasculated Jewish men started to use the word JAP pejoratively approximately the same time feminism was empowering women in the 70s and 80s. In other words, coming from a Jewish guy, the term reflected hostility because his social/professional status was being threatened.

That leads me to JDate. During Q&A, I noted that in many profiles I read, a woman tries to distance herself from other “JAPs” by saying she’s not “your typical Jewish girl”. A young lady in the audience noted with disgust that she’s read guys’ profile in which they think using the words “Gucci” and “Prada” will get them a Jewish girl. The panelists noted with pride that non-Jewish guys are going on JDate in looking for a Jewish girl. They didn’t say anything about gentile women on the site or Jewish guys going for shiksas because they are supposedly less demanding and better in bed. I personally doubt the latter comment.

I don’t think the myth of the JAP was totally de-bunked. Many of the stereotypes of a JAP describe Jewish women in general. There are so many working Jewish women in my generation that it is hard to think they’re truly spoiled. I don’t think there is anything JAP-py about appreciating nice things or expecting to be treated like a lady. The panel ended with a well-dressed woman in her late 60s or early 70s getting up and giving an impassioned defense of being a JAP if that means embracing your good-fortune and loving family.

Mar 242005

Heeb and Storahtelling teamed up to throw a great Purim party at Club Rare in New York’s Meat Market.

Several hundred Jews came to this masquerade party based on the Madonna them of “Esther Don’t Preach”. Overall, I bet there were at least 20 people dressed up as Esther, five Mordechai costumes, 15 men dressed up as women, and 5 women dressed up as men.

If you are familiar with the party’s organizers, you know that the party attracted many “cultural Jews” and an irreverent attitude towards almost everything. Unlike some of my friends, I don’t get annoyed by this crowd.

The entertainment included StorahTelling’s Rebbetzin Hadassah Gross as the hostess, and the music of Divahn, the Klezmatics, Basya Schechter of Pharaoh’s Daughter and DJs Busquelo and Acidophilus.

On a personal note, I bent and twisted the metal of at least five groggers until they were utterly destroyed.

Dec 062004

If you’re culturally Jewish but not religious, then a Heeb party is for you. If you want to be in a packed basement with lots of horny Jewish girls, then a Heeb party is for you. And, if you want to listen to decent music at the venue New York Press says is the “best bar to pick up dorky but cute girls,” then you should be upset you weren’t at this Hanukkah party at LIT.

The place filled up by 9:30 pm, probably because the $1 vodka drink specials ended at 10:00 pm. They gave out donuts and free copies of Heeb Magazine.

The highlight of the night was partying with the Assistant Art Director of Playgirl magazine. Jewish pornographers are interesting.

Is Judaism a culture or a religion?

That was the question I wanted answered by David Sarna, Amichai Lau-Lavi, Founder of Storahtelling, Ruth Calderon, Philosopher and Educator, and Dor Chadash’s David Borowich. Tonight they participated in a panel discussion about “The Role of Religion in the Jewish State.”

I didn’t hear anything ground-breaking, but I did leave with a better understanding of the issues.

Sarna took the position that Halachic law cannot be ignored anymore than a Constitutional legal system. He wasn’t the best public speaker. Lau-Lavi told a compelling story about a pluralistic society. Calderon took the moderate position, but still declared the right to practice her religion any way she pleases.

Who is a Jew? I don’t know. The compromise in 1948 doesn’t seem that bad as a status quo.

© 2012 Lawrence Hecht's Former Blog and Future Info-sharing Outpost Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha